the six questions that changed our marriage

One of the things I mentioned a few times as I recapped 2019 was our new use of the Marriage Journal, and I’ve left you all hanging as to what exactly it is, and how we use it. But today I will end your suspense and finally shed some light on this tool we have been using and how it has drastically impacted our marriage.

I came across this journal last year, and it felt like a direct answer to prayer. Our marriage wasn’t in a bad place, but I was longing to go deeper and connect further. I’m a firm believer in life long learning and continual growth, and I wanted more of that for our relationship. Plus, I had been starting to recognize my shortcomings when it comes to communication. I personally have a tendency to think and feel a lot of things, but I lack strength in boldly, tactfully, or eloquently verbalizing those thoughts & feelings in constructive ways, and I don’t want to be a nagging wife, so sometimes I avoid bringing them up, which then leads to a lack of communication. And I was fearful of ever becoming one of those couples that over the years falls out of really knowing each other (again, not that we were at that point – just wanted to prevent ever coming close to that). So when this practice came to my attention, it felt like a very loud & clear response to my heart’s desires. I immediately ordered a journal as an anniversary gift to Adam, and when I explained what it was to him, he was willing to give it a try with me.

So what is the Marriage Journal exactly? In short, it is an incredibly powerful, yet simple tool to create a weekly rhythm of communication in your marriage. The basic premise of the journal is that you come together once a week to read through a quick devotional thought, get on the same page with any plans for the week, and then ask the following questions:

  • What brought you joy this week?
  • What is something that was hard this week?
  • What is one thing I can do for you this week?
  • Is there any unconfessed sin, conflict, or hurt that we need to resolve and/or seek forgiveness for?
  • What is a dream, craving, or desire that has been on the forefront of your mind this week?
  • How can I pray for you this week?

In addition to those weekly questions, once a month you also add in:

  • How are we stewarding our finances?
  • How is our sex life?

The questions are simple in nature, but they have the opportunity to unlock really profound conversations. For me, it felt like a chance to go beyond the surface and really hear more of my husband’s heart; a chance to have a platform for more challenging conversations without catching the other person completely off guard; and a chance to make sense of what goes on in each of our very different minds.

So how has it affected us? Let me count the ways…

  • It gives us set aside time to chat more thoroughly each week. We’ve always been pretty good at debriefing each of our days at the end of them, but we’d end up saving our deeper heart to hearts for date nights, which may or may not happen on a consistent basis. Now we are able to more frequently do a heart check and go beyond the basics. Plus it holds us accountable to not spending every night’s dinner in front of the TV – though we do still enjoy that together.
  • It has impacted the way we communicate day to day. There was a shift after we started getting into this new habit. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but the best I can describe it is more tenderness towards each other in communication. We seem to ask more thoughtful questions in-between these weekly “meetings” that stem from things we had talked about as a result of them, displaying a greater care and regard for each other.
  • It’s empowered us to serve each other more effectively. By discussing things we can do for each other, we can more directly meet a need, rather than assuming what might be helpful.
  • We are each given a chance to speak our minds, while also taking the time to hear each other our. We both get to be heard – and I can bet that is something that matters to just about everyone.
  • It has unveiled our hearts more towards each other. There’s an extra sense of security in knowing, and being known by, your spouse when you lay it all out on the table and you still choose to stand beside, and love, each other.
  • Though we don’t argue too much in a traditional sense (not because we have it all figured out – Adam is just extremely laid back, and I’m so much of an over-thinker that I talk myself out of bringing up concerns), this journal helps to disarm conflict because we either address it more quickly before it builds up, or we prevent it from becoming a conflict in the first place. We have the space to address concerns that the other didn’t even realize was an issue. And rather than getting riled up about them not noticing, it offers the chance to be heard without either party becoming explosive or defensive.
  • It has helped to align our hearts more closely – whether one of us comes alongside the other with better understanding, or we both form a united stance on a situation.
  • We’ve been able to continue coming alongside and supporting each other amidst transitions, challenges, and chasing dreams. We’ve talked through job transitions and Adam’s marathon training, as well as my new unemployment, and even my commitment to this blog. And it always feels good to be affirmed that you’ve got someone on your team.

In all, like any marriage, we are two very different human beings, with different personalities, perspectives, thought patterns, upbringings, and so on. And while there is incredible beauty in that, it also means we always have something new to learn about each other, so we get to adjust the dynamics of our relationship as we do. This journal has helped to do that.

I’d also like to add that we do not use this journal “perfectly,” and each week can look a little different. Sometimes we miss a week, and sometimes we have to shift which day we do it. Sometimes neither of us have much of an answer to a question. Sometimes one of us has a lot to say, while the other has crickets. Sometimes it’s quick. Sometimes it takes awhile. Sometimes we dive deep into a challenge one or both of us is facing, and sometimes it’s very light hearted and simple. The point is that we make it work for us. And I hope to encourage you to make something like this work for you. Whether you buy the journal, or you simply just ask these questions to each other once a week, this could be an incredible opportunity to dive deeper and change your marriage for the better.

I’m a passionate advocate for this tool because of how much of a game changer it has been for our marriage. I’ve shared about it with friends, who have gone on to purchase it and give it a try. I’ve given it as an anniversary gift and as a wedding gift numerous times now, because it’s something that I wish we had from the start of our marriage. And I wanted to share more in detail about it with you here today because I believe your marriage is worth investing in. I believe that when we put in the work, we can reap a bountiful harvest of abundance as we dig deeper and connect with our spouses. Whether your marriage is in a perfectly healthy place, or you are barely hanging on; whether you have been married for 5 years, 50 years, or you are getting married next month – this journal is for you. You can always learn something new about your spouse. You can always go deeper in conversation. You can always become a more united front. And it’s never too late to start.

If I haven’t convinced you yet, you can check out more details for yourself here, where you can also purchase a copy. Or, like I said, maybe just go through the questions each week without purchasing the actual journal. Regardless, I hope you give this practice a try and I hope that through time you see a beautiful impact on the development of your relationship with your spouse.

I’ll leave you with these words from Mark 10:7-9: “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

P.S. What’s one question from the Marriage Journal that you think would be most influential if you added it into your weekly conversations with your spouse? I’d love to hear in the comments 🙂

NOTE: This post is not sponsored and I receive no compensation if you purchase a copy of the Marriage Journal – I just truly love what this tool has done for me and my husband, and I want you to experience it too!

3 thoughts on “the six questions that changed our marriage

  1. We are o lucky in week 3 of this journal and we are both all in with it! We have never been able to have regular dates so knowing that once a week we get ice cream, sit on the couch and work through these questions means so much to the both of us!

    Like

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