I’ve sat down to write this post numerous times in the last 3 years. Even greater is the number of times I’ve thought about writing this post, and then never following through with it. I’ve wanted to come back to this online space for awhile. To be honest, I never intended to really leave it. But when my days got more full and time seemed to be less available, my priorities needed some sorting, and this was an area that I could afford to cut out – at least for awhile. Being present with our community in North Dakota felt like a greater calling at the time, so I chose to invest more in that, and I don’t regret it one bit. Now, though, a lot of time has passed, and a great deal has changed. And for the past months, I’ve been feeling an even greater prodding to return. A prodding that didn’t just come from my own wishful thinking anymore. It seemed to come from outside of myself. It has felt, most often, like a push from God. A push to once again share the story and the knowledge He’s given me for more than just my own benefit. A push to start using the gifts He’s given me for His glory again.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Each time I’ve inched towards dipping my toes back in the water, I’ve psyched myself out. I’ve let fear or insecurities choke out the intentions. Like a flame within me re-igniting, only to be blown out before I even gain footing. In some ways I think it’s been the fear of other’s opinions. Putting yourself out there in any capacity can feel risky, and the internet – to me – seems like a much bolder platform in comparison to chatting with someone in person. But even more, I think my fear of failure has been the most influential culprit. The fear of not doing this well. Of not doing it right. I’ve given this a go once before, and it was short lived. What makes me think I could maintain this space this time? But it’s time to listen to God more than I listen to the fear. It’s time I stop wondering and start doing. It’s time I stop putting off action until everything is “just right.”
I have ideas. I have hopes. I have some loose plans. But the realistic side of me also doesn’t want to put the pressure on myself to do it all. Because I know how easily my personality defaults to perfectionism. So mostly I want to approach this space with grace. No one but myself is putting the pressure on me to live up to whatever my brain has determined is the blogging standard. While I want to be consistent, there is also nothing threatening to condemn me if I’m not.
So here I am. Finally pressing publish on a post that has been reworked or reworded or reevaluated countless times in my head. Finally taking the leap to make a return here officially. Finally listening to the calling that I believe God has been inviting me into. Only time will tell what comes of it. But my ongoing desires and the Holy Spirit’s leading can’t be ignored any longer. So for now, in whatever capacity I’m able to manage, I’m back. Excited. Scared. Hopeful. Expectant.